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Anxious to Commit by ~inspirational-dreams:iconinspirational-dreams:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Human Nature > Open


There she stood so subtle and free,
her eyes magnifying the peaceful sky.
So beautiful when she talks
and so adorable when she gawks,
the way she breathes and the way she walks
just has you awestruck when you watch.
You adore watching her because
your mind relaxes and you feel at ease
but you hate it when she looks away.
The truth is, she simply cannot stand
looking you in the eyes because
she hates everything that she sees
and every moment she breathes.

You see no faults and you see no flaws
to you she is the most beautiful girl
you've ever seen
and you hope to explore
but boy you've yet to see more.
Give her a hug and she'll go tense
and suddenly freeze.
When she looks up at you
look in her eyes - you just
may be surprised.
The pain she feels will suck you in
and you'll be a sucker and
you'll fall within.

Day by day you'll
put pieces to the puzzle
and slowly you will see
the way in which she survives.
She's so unwilling to reveal
but you gently push forth
and she's hesitant the entire time
because one day she just knows
your hand will slip
and there you'll feel the
trenches, trails and tracks
that detail the way in which she copes.

Her body will tense
and she'll grab your hand
in absolute surprise
just hoping you'll at least
try to understand
how she feels
about how she deals
with the wounds she has deep inside.
These are her simple attempts to breath.
Lonely and abused
she'll amaze you at
how well she hides the pain
she feels inside by
flaunting those beautiful eyes.

A type of mask to hide the pain she feels inside.
©2008-2009 ~inspirational-dreams
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Submitted: May 7, 2008
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Author's Comments

I was having trouble finding a suitable title so feel free to make some suggestions

Constructive critique would be very, very nice.

Wrote this back in April, 2008
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Comments


=naturesounds:iconnaturesounds: May 7, 2008, 1:43:28 PM
Such a good concept , keep it up :w00t:

--
"Its a Kodak moment lemme go and get me camera..."

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~Singinchic7:iconSinginchic7: May 7, 2008, 3:13:12 PM
wow lovely job!! really meaningful

if this is your current status you are not alone:hug:

--
You can close your eyes from the things you don’t want to see but you can never close your heart from the things you don't want to feel:heart:
=wizfrikiman:iconwizfrikiman: May 7, 2008, 3:44:36 PM
Was the "beautiful blue eyes" part intentional? No offence, but it kinda ruined the picture of the woman I had imagined while reading the rest of the poem. Why not just "beautiful eyes"? Just a suggestion.

Also, why is "every moment she breathes" in brackets? Did you want to emphasize it? If so, you could do it like this:


The truth is, she simply cannot stand
looking you in the eyes because
she hates everything that she sees.
Every moment she breathes.


--
I put the "sane" back in "insane" - [link]

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*VixRayne:iconVixRayne: May 7, 2008, 5:12:01 PM
Very nice, title seems fine to me. :)

--
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~inspirational-dreams:iconinspirational-dreams: May 7, 2008, 6:37:52 PM
it was my status in the past... minus the relationship part because I never did actually have any... but I was always scared of spending a night with a guy and having that side of me revealed. :hug:

--
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who
mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss

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~inspirational-dreams:iconinspirational-dreams: May 7, 2008, 6:52:05 PM
beautiful blue eyes part... intentional? I suppose I could say somewhat... I just thought it flowed better and had a little ring to it rather than just 'beautiful eyes' but after reading your comment, you've made a good point and I've taken into consideration that yes, perhaps 'beautiful blue eyes' ruins the image a person may have imagined ... so I think I will omit the blue

the every moment she breathes part is in brackets because I honestly have no exact idea.. it was just something I had thought of in the back of my head and could imagine it being said in the background or something but I think it'd be better without.

Thanks :D

--
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who
mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss

Proud supporter of *RawEm0tion *Thumbshare
*KelsPOP:iconKelsPOP: May 7, 2008, 8:14:28 PM
Wow that was amazing, in my opinion, the best thing you have done so far.

--
Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like you are going to trip on everything?
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=wizfrikiman:iconwizfrikiman: May 8, 2008, 6:45:44 AM
Don't mention it; I'm here to help.

--
I put the "sane" back in "insane" - [link]

I support dA Scholarship [link]
~Chima:iconChima: May 8, 2008, 7:01:32 AM
The title gives a little too much of an implied relationship; a serious one, as in one of the people is looking ahead to marriage a little too quickly. A better title might be something having to do with fear or masks, I think, since that seems to be what the poem is about.

I really like this poem, and can relate to having to use masks to cover up how you feel when you're breaking...

--
We feel the emptiness so we can find a way to fill it.
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